Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
