Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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