He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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