No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
