hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
