Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
