how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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