You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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