im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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