Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
