I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize