i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
