I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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