i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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