God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
