1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
