My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
