i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
