My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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