if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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