I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
