three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
