they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
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