I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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