I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Houston, we have a blender
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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