I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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