we're chasing vodka with high fives
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I cut my penus on the lid.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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