I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
