he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
30 Tiny Celebrity Tattoos You’ll Want To Run Out And Copy ASAP
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?