I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
