forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
