So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Who wears a wallet chain?!
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I cut my penus on the lid.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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