I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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