You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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