How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
3pm strippers are depressing
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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