to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
