One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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