Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My penis needs a shock collar
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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