just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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