you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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