life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
