Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
