my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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