I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Slut skills are useful in every country.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
