It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
