whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
