remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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