you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
time to smoke my breakfast
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
