be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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