Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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