I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
