the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
