would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
