If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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