I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
