My hand turned me down
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
