I just threw up on my dentist
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
