And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
